


Teenagers

by orphan_account



Series: Put your records on. [3]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms
Genre: Drama, Family, Modern AU, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-16
Updated: 2015-03-16
Packaged: 2018-03-16 00:56:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3468410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rhaegar, Lyanna and the children<br/>Take #2<br/>(A sort of sequel to "have I told you lately that I love you?")</p>
            </blockquote>





	Teenagers

**Author's Note:**

> This is not me being a homophobe, this is Rhaegar being a frickin' idiot.

Rhaegar Targaryen isn't the best of parents. 

Scratch that. He's fucking awful. 

Starting with the latest drama in the Stark-Martell-Targaryen household.

"You're a  _WHAT?_ " Rhaegar stares at his eighteen year old daughter, as if she'd grown a third head. (well a second, really)

"Calm down Dad, it's not a big deal." Aegon tries to placate his father. On the other side of the kitchen, Rhaenys glares right back, curling her arm around the strange girl in the kitchen. She's as dark haired as Rhaenys, only hers is short cut into a messy bob. And her skin is sallow instead of tan bronze like Rhae's. She looks wild and salty, like a pirate girl from the colonial era.

He'd caught them in the kitchen snogging like teenagers (well, they  _were_ teenagers). Rhae's hands, (as curious as Oberyn's, he thinks) were travelling up the strange girl's shirt, and  _Dear Lord,_ was she unhooking her partner's bra?

It's only when he enters the kitchen that he catches them. They only notice him when he drops the dish he's been holding (Wedgwood bone china 1910, the one Ashara had gotten them for Jon's baby shower. Lya was going to kill him.) The noise brings Aegon (who was probably up to some debauchery in the confines of his and Jon's room) clattering down.

Rhae, on the other hand, had looked entirely nonplussed, and said, "Hello Dad. Asha, Dad. Dad, Asha."

"Rhaenys, this is just ridiculous. You're eighteen, you've got the whole world ahead of you! This, all this-" he pauses to take a breather, "this is just madness!"

Rhae snakes an arm around the str- around  _Asha_ (seriously, what kind of name was that? Sounds like something that Euron Crow's Eye would name his kid.) Her eyes are entirely steel. "Oh really? And how would you be the judge of that?"

"I'm your father." A more coherent Rhaegar would be capable of lobbing out a better comeback. Except Rhaegar was not coherent at the moment. (come to think of it, he was never coherent when it came to his children.) And so he only serves to rile up his daughter.

"Oh yeah?" She snaps. "Like that means a lot." 

"Rhae," Aegon warns, trying to play peacemaker. Not that he's the natural in the family. "No cat fighting, please. We don't want the littlies coughing up furballs for the rest of the week." If looks could kill, Rhaegar would probably have had to explain to Lya why he'd had to bury her precious Egg in the backyard. Regardless, she'd kill him. Again.

"My life, my choice,  _dad._ " She retorts. "I choose who I want to shag." Hearing the word "shag" out of one's own daughter's mouth, is rather disconcerting, Rhaegar thinks, and his face must have shown it. "Oh come on, Dad, White Ravens from the citadel didn't randomly drop us in from the chimney. Mum gave us the talk back in year five, remember?" When did Aegon get so smart mouthed? Was it from Lya? (If so, that would be utterly weird seeing as a) they weren't blood related, and b) not even Jon had that much snark.)

"That's not the point, Aegon." He says collectly. And, turning to his daughter, "Rhaenys, you are not a lesbian."

If Rhaenys was angry before, she was pretty much livid now. "Don't you fuckin' tell me what I am, don't you fuckin' dare. Gran fucked her brother, and you were pining after mum, even when you were married to mother. Don't you fuckin' dare, Dad."

That's too many expletives. "If you were six months younger, young lady, I'd ground you." He replies, in the acid tones that Aerys used to use on him when he was being a menace. (And he was a good kid.)

"Who's gettin' grounded?" asks a voice down the hall. The kitchen door shifts politely and Jon sidles in. Jon's the quiet one, the proper child. Which is weird seeing as Lyanna was his mum. "Oh, hello Asha." 

Rhaegar swivels to look at his youngest. "You know her?" He asks sharply. "Uh, yeah. That's Theon's sister, Dad."

"Theon?" Jon sighs. "Theon. Theon Greyjoy. The guy I just gave the shovel talk to before i came back home."

"You gave the brat the shovel talk?" Asha interrupts. "Wow, you've got some guts for a puny little wolf pup. Well, who's his next conquest?"

"Wait, did you just say  _Greyjoy?_ " asks Aegon. "As in Balon, Euron and Victarion?" 

"My Uncles. Balon's my Dad." Aegon stops breathing for a minute. 

"Shit fuckin' hell! This is so amazing! Can I meet him at some point?" Asha raises an eyebrow. "My father has fans?" 

"Wait, you're related to the Ironmen? That's just brilliant." Jon groans. "I've heard enough about those three from Egg here to last me nine lifetimes." Aegon jumps at him and musses up his hair. "Perks of being a little brother, little brother." "Yeah right."

"Back to my question. Why were you givin' Theon the shovel talk?" Jon blushes quickly, and looks down. "Can't tell."

"Did he try to shag Sansa?" "What? No. Ew! Sansa's eleven. If he'd tried to make a pass at her, I wouldn't stop with talking." "Well then who was it? I mean, he's a total slag, he can't be after Robb or..." Aegon trails off when he notices how red his little brother is.

"He's dating  _Robb?"_ Jon nods slowly. "Don't tell." "Robb  _Stark?"_ Asha asks amusedly. "Didn't know Theon was bi. Oh well."

All of a sudden Rhaegar realizes they've quite backtracked from the conversation. "Well all that's well and good," he starts. "But Rhaenys if you think you can distract me and get away with this- this  _debauchery-"_ "I don't  _think,_ Dad. I  _know."_ "I forbid it." Aegon snorts. "Good luck with that."

"Wait, Dad. Are you a homophobe?" Cue Jon's brilliant skill of blurting out the inevitable. Rhaegar splutters in shock.

"What?"

"I'm just saying that it would be really weird if you were, seeing as Uncle Griff's gay too, and mum reckons he's had the biggest gay crush on you since forever, even though you don't like him like that. But he's still your best friend. So..." Jon trails off when he notices his older brother staring at him.

"Uncle Griff's hot for  _Dad?_ Is he blind? or what?" 

"I'll go with or what, if I were you, Egg. You do realize you look just like him, right?" Dany breezes into the kitchen, and promptly drapes herself over jon's back. Apparently the years have not placed boundaries on his two youngest and their bond. Of course she's the smart one, the one who can shut Aegon up in a tick. And that's when she notices Rhaenys.

"I thought you were shagging Vis."

As if Rhaegar needs any more shock to go into instant heart failure.

Rhaenys tosses her head. "I am shagging him. It's just that monogamy is boring." Rhaegar winces. "Someone's been spending too much time with Arianne." Jon says. "Shut up, crow."

Jon laughs. And it strangely calms Rhaegar. 

"So let me understand this situation properly. You're embarking on a polygamous relationship with a girl, and my brother?" "Yup."

Rhaegar would like a drink. A rather strong one. Preferably in large quantities.

"You do realize Vis is dad's brother, right?" Jon says softly. "Well, Dany is technically Dad's sister. And she calls Dad Dad and Mum Mum." Aegon retorts. "Are you actually with Rhae on this?" Dany shoots at him. 

Ah the family argument. With Aegon and Rhaenys on one side, and Dany and Jon on the other. It used to be all the time, when they were kids, only now that Aegon and Jon were older, they happened to be more in sync. 

"Okay subject change. Jon's applied for the recruit camp at castle black." Rhae says. As if the day could not get any worse. Rhaegar rounds on his younger son, all thoughts of Rhaenys, his brother and some Greyjoy pirate waif forgotten. 

"What part of no didn't you understand, Jon?" Jon glares at him mulishly. He's got his heart set on joining the Night's Watch as soon as he's eighteen, and while Rhaegar agrees that it's a frightfully honourable calling, he's not so altruistic a father as to send off his son to freeze his- ahem- genitalia off in the frozen waste of the far Northern border.

"It's just winter camp." 

"I don't care. Lyanna's going to go spare if you're not home for Christmas."

 "Mum said okay." She what?

Oh, wait. 

Lya was a Northwoman. She'd be gosh darned proud of Jon being in the watch.

"Well I'm saying no." He's stuck in a staring match with his youngest. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Rhae sliding a hand up  _Asha's_ arm. He snaps his eyes up to what she's up to. "Rhaenys!"

Behind him Aegon hoots. "Results of the staring tourney, Dad-0 Jon-182."

He maybe notorious for being able to stare his students down, but his score  _is_ pretty pitiful against Jon and his mum.

"Yes, Dad?"

"Not here. Not now. Not in front of your brothers." 

"And sister." murmurs Jon. "And sister." amends Rhaegar.

"I'm  _your_ sister, not hers. Theoretically, I'm her Aunt. Maybe sister in law. You're not thinking of  _marrying_ Viserys Ass-hat, are you?"

"Nah. He's gonna propose to Ari. They might invite me for a celebratory shag, though." Jon covers Dany's ears, at the same time that Aegon yells "Too Much Information, Rhae!"

Wait,  _what?_

If he's ever wanted to fall through the ground, it's now.

And so, he does the first thing that comes to his mind, which in retrospect, he should have done the minute he walked in on Rhaenys; He walks right out of the kitchen.

"Jon, dear. I'll be in my room, then. Do tell your mother that when she gets back." 

Dear God, he could do with a drink. Not that he ever would.

And if Lyanna comes to him two hours later, chiding him impolitely for "making Rhae uncomfortable with her bisexuality when you should be talking to her about the dangers of polygamy (I mean seriously, Rhaegar! She could get AIDS. Or syphillis!), and why the hell are you giving Jon down the country for wanting to join Winter camp, because if Dany's Dothraki muscle-man biker boyfriend turns out to be an abusive fuckwit we're going to need a better backup plan than hitting him on the head with your harp", he wishes he  _had_ gotten stone drunk, when the thought had come to him.

Wait.

"DANY HAS A  _WHAT?"_


End file.
